Week 5 begins: I have made the submission for the FMP. I decided to do the submission and proposal completely under my own power. I did not consult with any-one about the concept, or any parts of the proposal, I did not even have it proof-read for mistakes. I wanted to do it on my own, completely, from beginning to end.

Of course, after the submission, I noticed mistakes (spelt my professors’s last name incorrectly) and some other spelling mistakes. Just the kind of faux-pas that I normally make in these situations. It always amazes me how these mistakes are not caught before a submission of a paper, or when writing a letter. Only caught after the fact.

I will wait and see what the outcome of the proposal is and what my pass mark is. I feel somewhat okay about fulfilling the learning outcomes, and trying to get my idea down and the grade will of course reflect this. I felt well prepared after the last module (702) I am very glad that it came late in the MA (The 4th module) as opposed to the 2nd module. This is because I began in January of 2018. Had I began in September 2017, Module 702 would have followed Module 701, instead of being a year later.  Module 702 was very challenging, however it was very well supported by Dr. Steph Cosgrove, and Paul Clements. I managed a distinction, so it was an indicator over the former modules that I had made progress.

However, the module was very heavily tutored (and I really needed this) So this module (705) I want to go it solo to see if what I have gleaned over the course so far has made an improvement of my cognitive functions as to apply the knowledge to my current practice and present module.

I found it strange that the FMP was ordered so early in this module. I would have liked a few more week to reflect, however, having to fulfill the submission early has been very beneficial. I may not have managed to get my ideas and concepts across critically enough, but it was a good foundation.  After the submission, I did have further clarification on my subject matter, and now will re-write it myself and fine-tune the project. I take courage from a fellow student (Rita Rodner)  (who’s FMP proposal was available to us.)  She also spoke to us on the last Module about her FMP. She did mention, that if one is not happy with the work, to keep on working at it till one is satisfied. Also it was only towards the very end of the FMP module that she got her act to-gether with how she was actually going to execute it.

I have been having nightmares about my FMP, every idea seemed great before I go to bed and the next morning I wake up hating everything about it.  This has been a pattern throughout the MA, also, at the beginning of every module, I feel like one of those bad dreams of going to school and you get there. Every time I begin a module I feel like I am beginning the whole MA all over again. By the end of it I feel like I have accomplished something. This time I took note fo those feelings, because when I started my FMP, again I felt like all my idea were useless, the project I had picked was waste of time, boring, uncreative.

I made a promise to myself at the beginning of the MA. I would enter a mechanic and leave an artist. This has been my battle this whole 1.5 years. I keep on sliding back to the mechanic. It has also been a battle my entire film and photo career. Always working on some-one else film, some-one else project, some-one else ideas. So I decided no more of the kind of work. I am done with it. That  ‘Fence’  in my life needs be crossed/vanquished/bridged once and for all. This is why my FMP subject matter is about “FENCES”   not the physical kind the mental kind. The physical is the mechanic part of me, the mental is the artist part of me, that is fenced in. I know it, have always known it, now, positions and practice really defines the loci of my self and the work I do.